Sunday, March 4, 2007

Trust

             

Rebuilding trust is a long, enduring work in progress.  Megan was the child who told a complete story with her eyes and reactions.  Previously....  When did this all change?  I'm not sure but I'm very sure now that I did not pick up on many signals that I should have simply because she was mostly trustworthy.  I always seemed to find out if she had done something and pulled the ropes in tightly. 

I would say when she left home for college is when I started to ignore basic instincts.

I want to thank you for your comments and support.  This issue is a loaded gun because there are those who commented who have lost loved ones to drunk drivers.  For that, my heart breaks, and also for the fact that my daughter could very easily have added another innocent victim(s) to the list.

Ironically, Megan, Joey and I were involved in a terrible car accident about 10 years ago; hit by a drunk driver.  Joey was in the trauma unit for a week.

Megan went out to dinner last night with her bestfriend and the guy whose house they were travelling to after drinking.  She didn't drive last night and had to be home by 9.  She will drive my car to work and back if she works the night shift.  She still has a license until her hearing.

I spoke with several of our local policemen yesterday as I live a stone's throw from the station and know many of them to see them.  They also know both of my vehicles quite well as they sit daily at the salt dome that we travel by.  Most likely the fines will be extremely heavy with a lot of educational classes which Megan will have to pay for.  They will permit a payment plan but one missed payment and off to jail she will go.  Allstate will drop her off of my insurance.  She will need to pick up her own high risk.  She will have a waiver to drive to and from work....period...no deviations.  She will have to behave while on probation which means she best not get caught inebriated anywhere.  She turns 21 in June.

My rules...well, last night, I would not permit her to do anything but go out to eat and come home.  She wanted to go watch movies at the one friend's house.  Nope.  I didn't trust that she wouldn't imbibe.  She also must answer her cell phone when I call...no more ignored voicemail.

She is considering cancelling her college trip to Asia in May to use the money toward fines.  It may be too late if the reservations are made.  She still may not be able to go because in Pa., probation means you can't leave the state without requesting a waiver, which may or may not be granted.  If her hearing is scheduled during her trip, she will have to forego traveling altogether.

So, the process of rebuilding trust is just now beginning.  It's not there at all right now.  She's defensive with me but I've heard her talking to some friends and know that she most definitely realizes what could have happened but didn't.  I hope she never forgets.  I hope she never forgets the feelings she felt while being handcuffed and taken away in a police car being read her rights.  I also hope she realizes that she was one step away from devastating another family or families by causing senseless death; something which she would have to live with the rest of her life knowing that she caused endless heartbreak to others by one stupid act on her part.

Her name will be in our local paper, as they put all those arrested for DUI's in it.  I don't think this will all sink in until the actual hearing.  It's starting to but when the final gavel falls, I hope my daughter will use this as a huge learning lesson in her life.

I also pray that the promises made will be kept but for now the trust will not be given freely; it will have to be earned over time.

HUGS & LOVE to all of you....CHRIS

29 comments:

springangel235 said...

Your a good, supportive Mom...Megan will do all she needs to do, I am sure to make this a lesson, well learned.  Your rules are reasonable, and proper.  I wish you all the best...and pray all goes as planned on the trust issues.  Again...your one awesome Mom, with a heavy heart...your doing great!
Hugs and love,
Joyce

pharmolo said...

Let's hope indeed that the lesson is learned, Chris.

nightmaremom said...

Chris.. the trust will come back.. not going to argue.. it will take time but it will.  Once the fines and are done etc, she will have learned.. or we hope.. but that has nothing to do with your mothering skills.  When you have a figure... have her count the drinks she had and figure out what each cost.  
Good thoughts are with you.
hugs
d

jckfrstross said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



Deb

siennastarr said...

Chris.. you are doing all the right things.  This is something that only Megan can ultimately deal with.  She danced to the music, now she must pay the fiddler.  Hopefully, she will learn.. and you are right.. it won't sink in until she goes for her hearing, and goes to those classes.  I'm telling you, I have heard they are brutal!  You would have to have no heart or conscience at all to walk away from those classes and NOT have taken something with you.
She is going to have to earn back that trust.  This has been very traumatic... and most of it has been for you.  Hers will come later.. trust me.  It will hit her one of these days, full force... mark my words.

I'm here for you girlfriend... call me or email.......

Love you
jackie

lanurseprn said...

Wow she might cancel her trip?  Maybe she should!  That would definitely leave an impression on the seriousness of this.  The thing they will do is try to make such an impression on her that she will never do it again. I hope it works. In the long run this might be a good thing. Who knows what might have happened on down the road.
Hugs...Pam

bobbysgirl8584 said...

I am sure that over time she will regain your trust. I am so sorry that you are going thru this; it must be so awful for all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Maria

mrsm711 said...

You being there for her, no matter how dissapointed in her you are, is telling her that you love her.  You do love her, and I know this is hard for you right now, but it is for the best.  Good luck.  :)
http://journals.aol.com/mrsm711/LatteDah/     Tracy

astoriasand said...

Megan is your Daughter Chris and you have the right to set what goes and what does not.I am happy you have been able to make a posting and you sound OK!! I was pretty worried about you and have thought all day about you believe it or not.As many of us Mums will have who have been through these steps in life.I think Megan will learn from this,without a doubt.Look after yourself.Take Care God Bless.
Astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

jeadie05 said...

Chris do stop beating your self up about all this ,you are standing by her ,she just has to accept that its her fault and pay the consequeces ,she is off with you because you are her nearest and dearest ,and its her way of being mad at herself ..she will learn alot from this ,,love Jan xx

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwwww Chris, sending up prayers for you and Megan, Hugs Lisa

jlocorriere05 said...

That's such a shame she may miss her trip to Asia, I know she was looking forward to it. Maybe that will drum it in to her that drinking and driving isn't grown up, it's irresponsible. She's going to have to learn that she's answerable to herself and others if she does wrong. Jeannette xx  

rdautumnsage said...

I have always thought you were one hell of a wonderful mother. You have more patience and understanding than I myself do. The more serious the fines, losing her trip, having to be chaufered all over, the more likely she will wake up and smell the coffee. When you think it's tough and hard to deal with Megan, stick to your guns hon. If she doesn't learn from this, the consequences of drinking herself into a stupor and even becoming an alcoholic will be her life story. I don't want that for you nor her. I seriously hope she comes to her senses. Your not the one who is in the wrong here, its Megan. Therefore Megan needs to learn her lesson. This is something that trust is definately going to be something to earn. Megan is lucky that the school doesn't respond with their own, disciplinary. Most colleges have a no tolerance rule. And I'm sure a DUI falls in that category. I'm keeping you and Megan in my prayers on the smoke. (Hugs) Be well my dear friend, sit back and breathe and take this one day at a time. Love Ya Indigo

my78novata said...

you are a great mom and I think you are wisly handling this. You do have to walk the line between not making her think she is a lost cause becuase of this but yes you do have to work on rebuilding trust. I totally know that feeling and how hard it is. AND for days you will break out in a hot cold sweat (as she prbably does at this point) and you will worry always now. I think your rules are fare and you are open and dealing with this the best that you can. I know she has been raised correctly and I kow that is a solid ground for her I can tell by what time I have known you. I sure do see that there is a good reason to belive she is going to put this to good use and may share with others Though sometimes we all have to learn the hard way and Im just glad tihs was not with more serious ramafications.

midwestvintage said...

  I remember when my son broke our trust.  Lots worse then what your daughter did, it took us years to trust him again.  Today I am glad to say he has completely turned around and makes us proud.  I wouldn't have given a plugged nickle for his chances back then.  She will learn from this and you will get back the trust.  Take care.

                        Julie

helloimkara said...

i think you are doing a great job handling all of this.  Stick to your convictions no matter what. This is one life lesson that really needs to be learned.  Im so sorry this happened!

Kara

penniepooh said...

Hi Chris...  I wish you all the best with this. It`s a really hot issue because so many senseless deaths have been caused by people who drink and drive. There`s no second chances for those who are gone because of it. :(
Hugs,
penny

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Chris }}}  Yes, trust is earned, not given... she has a long road.  I think you are brave to share it all with us, and that is wonderful because it will help others out there.  I know it is helping me... those teen years aren't far away....  

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

millieukgirl said...

{{{Chris}}}..sending you love and thoughts on this.  You are a wonderful mom and what you are doing is fair.  Trust needs to be earnt and I'm sure, given time, your darling daughter will learn by this.  Millie :)

queeniemart said...

One day at a time, Chris.
Has your ex had anything to say about all of this?
Megan needs time to think about this..she is in for a big shock..the court system sure can be scary. I am here if you need me.
LOVE YOU, lj

kdcutie26 said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you my sweet heart.  I hope that you are doing well, and I love you very much.  XOXO's.
KJ

pippa1116 said...

well, I hope she learns her lesson fully with this one. hang in there....
tina

queenb8261 said...

Being the mom of 3 grown children, it's a hard lesson to learn that when trust is broken it's awfully hard to earn it back. Some of the stunts my daughter pulled in HS...she never got arrested. But every time she did something wrong...she got caught.  She was a pistol.  I am sure before this is all over with Megan will have learned an invaluable lesson. In the meantime, you're doing everything right. Hang in there kid. Loveya, Barb  

tpiez4me said...

Oh Chris I'm so sorry to hear of M's mess....she knew better!  Bad judgment on her part.  She'll have to pay the consequences, like NOT going to Asia and paying her own fines etc....she'll just LOVE the confinement of the limited driving privileges ...NOT!!!!!!!!!  I hope she learns the big lesson!

zoepaul6968 said...

Chris,I think you are handling this situation very well indeed,you cannot be faulted on your efforts,and yet I sense a small feeling of guilt from you,maybe Im reading too much into it,maybe its just being a mum that makes us feel responsible,but whatever,you are not to blame for what happened and as you say,it could have been a tragedy,thank goodness it wasnt,I hope your daughter realises what has happened is the best thing that could have happened,you will regain trust,because love is still there,and lets not forget,she too could have been killed,and you must feel that,deeply,I know I would,angry at her,but relieved that she is ok.It will get better after the trial and life goes on,well done for being so good with everything to do with this,and all the best for it all to result in a better realtionship with your daughter,I think that will happen,zoe xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/DomesticAbuse/

shayshaydc said...

Chris.. hopefully this will open her eyes!!!! No...once trust is broken... it takes alot to get it back!!!!! Sounds like you are handling the situation well!!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)

jeanno43 said...

Chris, thank you so very much for making the beautiful tags for Sugar and myself.  They are wonderful and obviously very special.  Big hugs to you my friend.

helmswondermom said...

It's going to be a tough time for a while, isn't it?  I hope she does learn a huge lesson out of this, and maybe she'll be able to influence her friends as well.
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages

rebuketheworld said...

Chris, I am not sure how its set up where you live but in Oregon, they have assitance programs where you can pay monthly your fees and still drive. Usually you have limited driving, like permission to go to work or school, or a few miles from home but it beats the bus. You could call DMV and look into it. It would be a shame if she couldnt go to Asia.

I bet she has learned her lesson quite well as it is. Sending my sincere love to you!  ~Raven