Life in general

             

Life, in general, is quiet at the moment; though not for long.  Megan will be rolling in with even more furniture than we had here when she left....ugh.  She will roll back out to her dad's until Wednesday night.  She leaves for Asia at 4 am on Friday morning.  The dog sitting has been a pain for her.  She got $100 up front.  He was leaving her money to drive his wife's car to and from school.  He left her $20 and less than a half a tank of gas in the car.  Her parking is $7.00 a day.  She's none to happy because she will be spending most of her money on commuting.  He won't be home until after she leaves.  I warned her of this.

She found out yesterday that her hearing is on Tues afternoon.  She is picking me up at work and then has one more final on Wed.  The timing isn't too thrilling to me.  I'm worried that she'll blow the final from stress.  Ms. Megan's life will be far different after Tues from what she has known.  This will be a summer to remember for us all.  I'm sort of glad she will be gone for a month.  It will give us all a break.

The dilemma right now is tv's.  When Megan brings home the 27" tv at her house, we will have a total of 7 here....a 32", two 27", one 25", two 19" and her 13" tv with the VCR in it which she won't part with.  We have three DISH hook ups; none are in my bedroom.  I'm thinking the 25 and both 19's are going to Goodwill today.  Honestly, my house looks like Goodwill right now.

My BF is going to try and convince Megan to leave the sleigh bed in her room until she gets back from her trip and put the double bed back in my old room.  The sleigh bed has a trundle under it.  Megan will not listen to me and is insisting that the beds get moved for two months and then moved again.  Doesn't make sense so I'm sure there will be a major fuss about this but it is my house, and I'm used to major fusses.

I'm enjoying the quiet for the time being. 

HUGS  CHRIS

JMO

              

This will be a different type of entry today, well maybe; maybe not.

Alec Baldwin.....I've heard that video/tape/voice whatever so many times.  Each time it makes me physically ill because I've heard that voice and tone of voice in my past directed toward my three children.  The voice was my ex's.  Some of the media just makes me want to reach through the tv and grab them.  I don't think many realize just how damaging anger, words and tones of voices are when directed toward children. 

Children are brought into this world as a gift.  They are to be loved and nutured.  Words frighten them beyond belief.  I've seen first hand how words damage children.  All three of mine have had to fight their way back to learning that they are worthy.  It's extremely difficult to repair a severely damaged self esteem. 

I will relate a story that I may have told before.  At one time Becky and Joey shared a room when they were around 4 & 6.  My MIL gave them old neckties, belts, scarves, etc for dress up.  They had an odd habit.  Becky would tie all these things together into about a 25 ft. rope-like thing and attach it to her Smurf baby buggy's handle.  I would remove it and throw it away because I was afraid they would strangle themselves.  I got rid of all that stuff.  Next all the shoe laces were gone from the shoes and attached in a rope to the buggy's handle.  Dang, what was wrong with her?  I removed that and threw it away.  Next came sheets tied together and attached.  The buggy was always near one of the two windows. 

Years later the mystery was solved and what I found out made me puke, literally.  Throw up from shame and heartache.  They were absolutely terrified beyond belief of their father's vicious tirades.  They feared he would kill them after they went to bed.  Things were tied to the buggy and kept by the window for escape. Dear God...escape.  I cry now when I think of those two babies feeling the fear and need at that age to have an escape plan.  And now, years later, they both struggle with feelings of unworthiness.

So, if Kim Basinger released that tape, there will be no criticism from me.  I know she has been no saint in the mudslinging but a mother needs to do whatever she can to protect her children from fear and violence.  I do believe Ireland fears her dad.  If any of us think this is a one time incident, then you haven't lived the life of domestic abuse, and verbal abuse is a predecessor to physical abuse.  The final straw of my verbal abuse....a knife to my neck.

                                     CHRIS

The Best Laid Plans

      

Lord knows I'm trying to keep a smile plastered on this face.  Just wanted to say that I'm horrified by the shootings at Va. Tech and keeping all the families and students in my prayers.

Megan's loan is in the bank.  She got her vaccines yesterday although what a fuss.  She was telling me they would cost $15 and rattled off a list of ones she needed; the last being rabies.  RABIES, I asked.  I called the health dept.  Where do theses kids get their ideas from?  She needed hepatatis A, malaria, diptheria, and tetanus.  Cost:  $98.  The lady said these kids all seem to spread a rumor that they cost $15 or $20.  So, we're all set....almost.

Her attorney called her today and said he changed her hearing because he had a court date on Thurs....the new date...May 17th.  She was upset, of course, because she will be in Asia.  She called him back so he has to petition for another date.  Ugh...the letter came today from the courts.  It was changed on April 13th.  My confidence is lacking because he should have called sooner.  She's still coming home tomorrow to work because she had all her working dates set up and had already made up her Thurs and Friday classes.  She is working a lot of hours for those four days.  I can't stand stuff like this.

I am still taking off on Thurs because we have to move her sleigh bed into my old bedroom somehow.  Her double bed will be coming soon into her room that I was using.  She has to be out of the  rental house in Pittsburgh by April 30th.  I'm back to unloading more stuff from my old room once again.  LOL...so much for her brave comments last fall that she was NEVER coming back again.

I'm fussing over my hot water tank.  It's gas...hate those things.  It's banging and clanging.  My BF keeps telling me to release the pressure valve and let some water out.  Scares the crap out of me because I think it's going to blow sky high.  I can't complain because it's a five year tank that is almost ten years old.  I'll be calling Handy dandy Randy, my plumber, soon I think.

Anyway, no rain but no warmth either.  Yesterday we had high winds.  It may be 40 at best but we had no snow.  Hard to believe it's April 17th.

I'm off to drag out some more garbage and fill up more bags, once again.  My garbage collectors send those teensy cards which I always lose in the midst of my bills.  I just noticed mine was due like a month ago.  Hope they take my stuff.  I've never had anything shut off ever but I did have my garbage left at the curb once because I missed that dang little card...oh well.....think Spring...

Thanks to Shelly for this tag.  Love the fairy.  It's a tree fairy called Willow by artwork from Cicely Mary Barker and is over 50 years old.

UGH

         

A draining week I had this week.  I just hate to moan and groan when so many are dealing with far more problems.

For the past few months, I've felt like I'm swimming upstream against a strong current.  My finances are always a train wreck.  Sometimes it feels like an endless battle to keep afloat.  I almost lost my sanity this past week.  I'm just tired of fighting what I feel is a battle I'm not winning.  I almost lost the battle to survive on my own.  I came very close to just cleaning my house and selling it.

I did talk with my mother.  She asked my brother about the deed.  His answer was that it was in both his name and hers.  Of course, I don't trust him one bit and have many reasons not to.  I looked it up online.  It is a joint deed in my mother's and his name.  I can't fathom why it was done that way but it's better that she still owns half of the house.  My next battle is the will.  My mother just cannot see my brother for what he is.  My mother is 87 and sharp as a tack but she is just tired.  She was in a car accident Good Friday.  A 92 year old lady and her collided.  Not much damage and no injuries but this just did my mother's nerves in.

My old Cutlass blew the coolant hose on Wed, and Joey had no transmission.  The car was towed and the hose replaced once again.  The tranny is on borrowed time.  I'm beside myself with this because Megan will need a car to get to and from work this summer.  Her hearing is this coming Thursday.

And, once again, I had a conversation with my dad who died in 1994.  I also prayed to God that my dad could hear me.  I threw myself down on my knees and prayed that my courage and strength would return.  I continually pray that my brother will find religion and let go of the evil.  My mother is not getting any younger.  He wants to be in control.  Nuff said.....

The only bright spot was that I finally figured out my pension category.  I severed my federal employment when I had Becky.  I went back too late to get Civil Service back, or so I thought.  Whoo hoo...I elected Civil Service offset which I had no idea what it was or how it worked.  We got an explanation this week through e-mail.   I will get my full Civil Service pension with an offset from SS when I reach that age.  I know this makes absolutely no sense to anyone but I was looking at only Social Security which was dismal because I haven't paid all that much into it.  I couldn't afford to put much into an IRA so I was looking at total poverty.  Now, I can retire with 55% of my income when I get the years in.  I have 8 years at least because of the time I took off with my children.

Sorry I'm so gloomy right now.  I know things will rebound, or at least I hope so; they always seem to.

Just wanted to add that my heart goes out to JOYCE right now.  She just lost her mother as most of you know and could sure use our prayers and support.

I have a couple of pictures from Easter.  My BF and me and one of Joey and Megan.  HUGS TO ALL...Chris

               LOL at my shirt falling off but it was the best shot.  Gotta keep that chin of mine up or else it's a double chin.

     

Happy Easter!!!

                

As a Christian, Easter is the highest holiday of the year.  It is the culmination of the prophecies of the Messiah resurrecting to save our sorry souls.

It's a quiet, cold Easter morn with snow on my car again.  A local church service is on tv in the background with some awesome music.  Becky and Joey are in Pittsburgh; Megan worked until midnight last night.  She came home; we talked and watched tv.  I need to get her up soon for church.  We are meeting later at my mother's today for dinner.  Of course, my brother and SIL will be there but that doesn't matter anymore.  I'll take some pictures.

It is the small things in life that count.  The reaching out and touching of others who lift our spirits and support our heartaches. 

I went into my archives and read some entries from last year at this time.  I had been bitterly disappointed at the loss of a huge promotion not realizing that within a month, another huge promotion would be posted in another division, and I would get it.

Megan would be diagnosed with cervical cancer; only to have it miracualously disappear and turn into mild dysplasia.  She would also test the limits of the law.  Through my trials with Megan in the past month, I have heard from two old friends; one from a message board and a journaler who gave up her journal a while back; both whom I've missed so very much.  A simple e-mail from a long, lost friend can make all the difference in the world.

My agnostic, scientific Becky has found her faith.  This has totally blown my mind.  This child absorbed absolutely nothing; I mean nothing, in all her years in church and Sunday school.

My dear Joey who has struggled with jobs and interviews found out he loved welding.  He took the Steamfitter's Union test which was extremely difficult.  He says he failed but really 200 took the test.  They interviewed the top 50%.  He only missed the cut off by 9 people.  Pretty darned good, if you ask me.  How did he find out what he scored?  He called the testing coordinator which was a huge step on his part.  Very few, if any, pass the test on the first go round.  I continue to pray that Joey will recognize his self worth.  Joe, I know you're reading this.  I'm very proud of you!

I continue to pray for those in Jland who are suffering right now.  There seems to be an epidemic of illnesses running rampant.

My computer...lol...thought I'd forget it, hunh?  I found out something from an AOL tech, of all people, yesterday.  The McAfee pop up I'm getting is actually from McAfee, not AOL.  I was led to a stand alone program by Avert, which is McAfee, called a Stinger.  Lord have mercy, this program is for viruses that the virus scan misses.  I couldn't download the latest version because it's a weird zipped file.  I'm biting the bullet and looking for a pc geek.  I'm also dumping AOL's security center, which has served me very well but not anymore.  All I can say is free is not always better.  I'm dumping the 10.95 a month.  I can't see the purpose in continuing to pay for substandard service.

Anyway, I hope that all of you who celebrate Easter have a beautiful day with friends and family.  Also, wishing my Jewish friends a Happy Passover.

Blessings!  Ending with the words to one of my favorite old time hymns.  The purple words bring me to tears continuously and were words I lived on during the dark days of depression.

I know that my Redeemer lives;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead;
he lives, my ever living Head.

He lives triumphant from the grave,
he lives eternally to save,
he lives all-glorious in the sky,
he lives exalted there on high.

He lives to bless me with his love,
he lives to plead for me above.
he lives my hungry soul to feed,
he lives to help in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
he lives to guide me with His eye,
je lives to comfort me when faint,
he lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
he lives to wipe away my tears
he lives to calm my troubled heart,
he lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
he lives and loves me to the end;
he lives, and while he lives, I'll sing;
he lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
he lives, and I shall conquer death:
he lives my mansion to prepare;
he lives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to his Name!
he lives, my Jesus, still the same.
oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
I know that my Redeemer lives!

         

             

                             CHRIS

 

April Fool's

                

Is it really April 6th today?  I got up and looked out the window to see two inches of snow on my car and still falling.  Of course, my snow tires are packed away so the ride down my hill should be more than interesting this morning.

I'm not sure where I got that bunny from.  I must have snagged it quite a while ago.  I found it hidden away in my external drive while searching through folders and files. 

My computer is still horrendous but I've decided that in the scheme of things to worry about, this is low on the list.  I've been reading and trying to catch up with journals again.  Trying to put tags together is just too frustrating when I can't quickly scan my folders and files.  Anyway, a computer can be fixed.  I'm a packrat with my pc and live in fear of not having the things I need when I restore or have this thing restored.  But, it's only files and "things."  I've put it in the proper perspective after reading so many entries of people in JLand who are battling cancer, have relatives battling cancer, have chronic pain and illnesses...etc.  All my woes right now are replaceable.  My pictures are intact in my external back up drive.  So are the programs I use.  Funny thing that I do.  I never empty the memory card on my camera.  I just remove and buy a new one.  I'm also considering backing my external drive up on discs.  Becky tells me this will take days, and I best get a cabinet or storage unit because I will need hundreds of cd's.  LOL...I was in my back up drive removing things I'll never use that I didn't remember I even had.

I suspect a virus although I've run several different scans, including my McAfee which is totally up to date, and nothing comes up.  I'm finding even in the past year, customer service stinks all around.  Even an extended warranty doesn't seem to make a difference.  This squeaky wheel will get some oil.  I just haven't had the energy to argue with the reps at E-Machines again.  LOL...I'm sounding like my mother these days.  She would argue and insist that companies back their products; still does. 

Work was totally off the wall on Wednesday.  I was drained when I got home.  That was the first day in my new division that was like that.  I was jinxed when the first counselor came and asked me if I ever had a day that started out crazy right off the bat.  Of course, my day was smooth at that point in time.  I said "not really."  I should have kept my mouth shut because it turned into a "full moon" type of day. 

So, I'm off to get ready to dig my car out.  Is it really Easter this weekend?  It was 60 degrees here on Christmas.  Odd, to say the least. 

Hugs and Blessings, Chris

A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

           

Thanks, LJ, for this cute, cute tag.  If you don't see me around for a while, it's my computer and problems stacking up higher and higher.

Ms. Chris, the IT tech, decided to "fix" my computer today.  Now, I have been told not to touch anything as I cause more problems.  I've also been told when God handed out patience I was standing behind the door.

Restored my PC back to last week and had my documents but my security system was back to its old state of not updating.  No problem..got rid of it and reinstalled.  ROLF....it wouldn't take. Something about a damaged disc except I downloaded it off of AOL. So I restored the computer back to today.  Yikes, my AOL 9.0 was gone totally.  After too many phone calls, I had to go to Walmart for a disc.  All they had was open ride.  Talk about total confusion.  Finally, I got the "real" techs at AOL since I still pay the darned 10.95 a month.  I had to install 9.0VR.  Now, I can't open my security center.  It's updating and running but I have no idea how I would clean or delete a virus.

My PC is still under warranty but there are only so many things Gateway is capable of fixing.  Anything to do with XP is a microsoft thing and they charge for tech support.  Gateway thinks I should do a recovery which would totally take my PC back to the state I got it in when I bought it.  I'm not ready to do that until I check and see just what is in my back up drive.

I have a total headache.  I didn't feel that great today anyway and now I'm just so darned frustrated.  I have to find a reputable computer geek.  I'm not sure Becky can fix this mess.

I'm so far behind on journals, have tags to make and I'm not sure when I'll get them done, and have to call AOL one more time about figuring out the problem with my security center; not to even think that Megan's loan for Asia is totally screwed up.  I hope it comes through before she has to leave.  So, I'm off to bed before I blow a gasket.

HUGS to all....Chris