Saturday, April 14, 2007



A draining week I had this week.  I just hate to moan and groan when so many are dealing with far more problems.

For the past few months, I've felt like I'm swimming upstream against a strong current.  My finances are always a train wreck.  Sometimes it feels like an endless battle to keep afloat.  I almost lost my sanity this past week.  I'm just tired of fighting what I feel is a battle I'm not winning.  I almost lost the battle to survive on my own.  I came very close to just cleaning my house and selling it.

I did talk with my mother.  She asked my brother about the deed.  His answer was that it was in both his name and hers.  Of course, I don't trust him one bit and have many reasons not to.  I looked it up online.  It is a joint deed in my mother's and his name.  I can't fathom why it was done that way but it's better that she still owns half of the house.  My next battle is the will.  My mother just cannot see my brother for what he is.  My mother is 87 and sharp as a tack but she is just tired.  She was in a car accident Good Friday.  A 92 year old lady and her collided.  Not much damage and no injuries but this just did my mother's nerves in.

My old Cutlass blew the coolant hose on Wed, and Joey had no transmission.  The car was towed and the hose replaced once again.  The tranny is on borrowed time.  I'm beside myself with this because Megan will need a car to get to and from work this summer.  Her hearing is this coming Thursday.

And, once again, I had a conversation with my dad who died in 1994.  I also prayed to God that my dad could hear me.  I threw myself down on my knees and prayed that my courage and strength would return.  I continually pray that my brother will find religion and let go of the evil.  My mother is not getting any younger.  He wants to be in control.  Nuff said.....

The only bright spot was that I finally figured out my pension category.  I severed my federal employment when I had Becky.  I went back too late to get Civil Service back, or so I thought.  Whoo hoo...I elected Civil Service offset which I had no idea what it was or how it worked.  We got an explanation this week through e-mail.   I will get my full Civil Service pension with an offset from SS when I reach that age.  I know this makes absolutely no sense to anyone but I was looking at only Social Security which was dismal because I haven't paid all that much into it.  I couldn't afford to put much into an IRA so I was looking at total poverty.  Now, I can retire with 55% of my income when I get the years in.  I have 8 years at least because of the time I took off with my children.

Sorry I'm so gloomy right now.  I know things will rebound, or at least I hope so; they always seem to.

Just wanted to add that my heart goes out to JOYCE right now.  She just lost her mother as most of you know and could sure use our prayers and support.

I have a couple of pictures from Easter.  My BF and me and one of Joey and Megan.  HUGS TO ALL...Chris

               LOL at my shirt falling off but it was the best shot.  Gotta keep that chin of mine up or else it's a double chin.



my78novata said...

I love seeing your face. I know its hard but hang in there!!!!!!!!! family canbe a pain in the arese too!!!!!!!!! you know its hard these days and this nasty weahter has everyone down. I wish I could help you some how wish the rich would share some money. I wish te rich had to buy everyone a house or pay the debt on on everyones house!!!!!! I really think its called sharing the wealth. glad yoru mom is okay and not hurt worse. must have shook her up a lot id say. Im glad to hear from you. if you needto email to vent or chat feel free.

astoriasand said...

Oh Chris I am happy you have awards to come on retirement.I didn't understand it all as usa have a differant system from us over the pond.Many people do not plan for there future in todays day and age.Then as one gets older it starts to become important to us somehow.I hope your mom is not too affected by this accident she had.My DIL had one too last Wednesday in Dallas.I will say prayers things turn around for you. I wish I could wave a wand and grant wishes.....Lovely pictures you look so lovely and what a lovely smile BF has.Well Joey and Megan what can I say full of fun they both look. Be happy .I hope The hearing goes ok!!
You have BF and the kids and keep thinking. Every cloud has a silver lining.Take Care God Bless.Try have a lovely weekend.

pippa1116 said...

well, knowing where you stand on retirement is much better than I can say....have a good weekend and I hope things get better with the car...

lilysparadise said...

Hello, Rose here dropping in from Vancouver (Canada). Noticed your blog on the AOL updates, and decided to wander in. I have 23 years banked for my Federal pension, but don't think it will amount to much, if I stay married. They tend to claw it back if your spouse earns more than a certain amount. So much for working most of your married life, with kids. ::sigh:: Enjoyed your journal, and will return. Take care!

sugarsweet056 said...

Great pics!
Glad your retirement will be staisfying when it's time. Wish mine was.
Have already visited Joyce through a private email a couple days ago, also posted in my journal re her dear Moms passing.
My poor old car (Lily) is still hanging in, but barely...besides the bad motor & tranny, there's a few more probs too. GRRR
I know what you mean about swimming upstream against a strong currant. Let's keep praying & trust & believe that we'll get upstream! :)

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Life can be so complicated at times...
Hang in there Chris..and know we are all
here for you...Have a great weekend

helmswondermom said...

I'm glad you got good news about your retirement prospects at least.  Hope things look up for you soon.

lanurseprn said...

You sure have a lot going on Chris.  Love the pics you posted!  Good luck to Megan at the hearing. That will be one worry over when it's done.
I can so relate to the things you say about fighting that battle. It's a battle I can't win either.  Who really does?  I don't know...but I'm tired too.
Hope you have a good weekend.
Love to you,

siennastarr said...

:(  Ohh Chris.. I am so sorry you are so depressed and having such a hard time.. I know how that feels.  I feel so blessed in my life, and, you know that I wish the same blessings on you.  I have wanted to talk to you for a while now, but somehow, when I do see you up on my buddy list.. something keeps telling me that you don't want to be bothered.  I don't mean that offensively.. Not at all..  Just a feeling that I'm getting.  I see you up there now, and want to IM you.. but I don't want to bother you... :/   You know I am always here for you, even if it seems as if I'm not around much.   You can IM me if you want.. or email me.. and vent.. or call me.  You know my number.  I am always here for you.  
BTW.. you look awesome and so YOUNG in that picture!! :)

Love you girlfriend


penniepooh said...

Chris, I`m sorry to hear that you have been going through so much. You sure wouldn`t know it by seeing your picture - you look GREAT!!     LOL to that picture of Megan and Joey.  I`m glad your mom is okay. I`m sure that accident really shook her up. (((HUGS)))

am4039 said...

I'm so sorry you have so much going on. Family can be very stressful for sure. So sorry about your mom getting in an accident. Happy that both woman are fine though. Cars can be a pain in the butt. My prayers go out to you.

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwww Chris, I'm sorry you have so much going on, if you need to talk I'm always here, love the pictures, Hugs Lisa

gehi6 said...

It seems like there are times when things are tough, but I know that your pension will be so welcome when you get to the age of needing it.  I can remember feeling a lot of panic and worry in the years just before my last illness and disability with my car, expenses, and an ujncertain future.  But things do have a way of working out or we learn to adjust to what is, I don't know which!  And find a way to survive just about anything and I am sure we will find a way to survive not surving!  Gerry

jckfrstross said...

hang in there chris it is always darkest before the dawn:) keeping you in prayer


jeadie05 said...

Iam so sorry your brother is acting this way ,giving you all this worry ,if only he would work with you ....loved the pictures nice to see you all ,good lick for Thursday Jan xx

bobbysgirl8584 said...

things will get better; I know sometimes it doesn't seem like there is any way that things will get better but they will.  I am glad that your Mom was not injured in the car accident.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

chat2missie said...

I love the tag you have posted.  It's so, so true!  Good luck on the hearing coming up this week.  I know that whole situation has really been on your mind.  Life is about ups and downs on a daily basis.  We just have to keep going day by day.

ally123130585918 said...

Sorry you have had such a bad week ~ hope your Mum is OK must have been a shock being in a car accident glad no one was hurt ~ hope Megan's hearing goes well on Thursday ~ Loved your photographs ~ Ally x

shayshaydc said...

I know exactly how you feel Chris.... I am having a hard time too!!!! Mentally and physically and financially!!!! Being on my own is so hard financially.... sometimes I don't think I'll make it!!!!

queenb8261 said...

Love your photos. My, my.  Megan has, uhm, changed. LOL Sorry to hear about your Mom's auto accident. That could have been a mess. Even though your Mom's name is still on the deed of the house, what if she becomes incompetent to handle her affairs? Has she given either you or your brother Power of Attorney?  Hope this week is better.  Love ya , Barb  

rdautumnsage said...

First off I love the graphic you have on this post. Next you will prevail, your a strong, compassionate woman hon! You have given me the best advice I could ask for in my own times of struggle. I know this may seem lame, but if we didn't have to work at surviving and keeping our heads above the tide, wouldn't life be rather boring without the challenges it gives us. I'm so glad to hear you worked out the Civil Service Offset for your retirement income. I know when I had no choice but to claim disability and go with SSI I was holding my breathe on what my income would be. So far so good, I'm actually collecting close to what I was making 3 years ago working full time. Things will fall in to place and work out. Loved the pics of you and Joey. And Megan and joey!!! Keeping you in my prayers on the smoke, I know you mentioned Megan has to go to court Wedn. I'm praying for the best for you both!! ((Hugs)) Indigo

princesssaurora said...

Very nice pics... I am praying for you that the finances will ease up... I hope everything works out with your mom, too.

be well,

tpiez4me said...

Loved your Easter entry....right on the mark!!!  Now what's with your clothes falling off in this picture?????  Been to the Days Inn again???????  You guys are beautiful!   Love YOU!!

springangel235 said...

I was sooooooooo happy to see photos of you, your BF and Megan and hers...lovely is the only word that comes to mind...and one other...beautiful. I know what you mean about swimming upstream...I have that feeling now, too.  I pray things go well for all...and your weekend, will be the best...hugs and love,