Sunday, October 8, 2006

Turning Point

         

As I was journal surfing this morning, I visited D's This and that, and hockey! and was intrigued by her entry which was inspired by Bea WandererI snagged a tag from D which I waivered as to which to use at the top.  Of course, I love D's far better than my own but the words on the top one fit the first part of my entry (lol..if you can read the bottom part).   One defining turning point in our lives.  I pondered this for quite a while.

Of course, my children were an enormous turning point but not exactly what came to mind almost immediately.

I was always passive; lived in fear of change.  Marrying and starting a family was huge for me.  I wavered in and out of depression and anxiety.  By the time Megan was born, I was well on the road to recovery from this.  What I was not on the road to recovery yet was my dependence on staying in my house and living the life of a victim of domestic abuse; not to mention verbal abuse of my children.  I lacked the courage to forge on my own.  The financial aspect scared me to death.  How would I live?

Turning 40....wow, should have been traumatic but was the beginning of the butterfly spreading it wings.  Hence, the tag at the top.  I was in the middle of my life (I hope, anyway).  I weighed 212 lbs at that time.  My ex tormented me to death about that with ugly words and tearing the house to pieces due to his alcohlism.  Age 40 again, I slowly shed 60 lbs.  With each pound I lost, I became empowered against the "little man" who terrorized my life.  It bothered him so much that the abuse got worse.

My defining moment should have been a moment of terror....he put a knife to my neck one evening for spilling crumbs in the drawer.  Little did I realize at that moment, my life would change drastically by that one motion.  FREEDOM......I got a PFA and had him out of the house the next day; something I had tried to do for years but he wouldn't leave of his own accord.

How do you even begin to imagine the quiet that enveloped our house?  It was totally odd and unnerving for a few weeks but wonderful.  The kids and I still jumped for a while when we made noise as we expected the hand to come flying or some object.

My court experience was smooth and the child support was enormous for a year because of his foolishness.

I look back at who Chris was before that incident; certainly not recognizable to the Chris today.  My dear father has already passed away so Chris was on her own, basically.

Yep, money has been terribly short for many years.  Many years my children did without the conventional Christmas with tons of gifts but there was tons of love flowing.  We learned to laugh together without fear.  Fear is a terrible thing to live with and be surrounded with.  My children learned the value of a dollar.  We didn't have "grandpa" to go crying to for the things we wanted but didn't necessarily need.  We learned to grocery shop and buy what we needed which is far different than what we wanted.  There were and are still times when the trash bags, etc. go on hold until payday.  Please don't think I'm asking for pity...no way.  Child support ended two years ago.  So be it.  I was spoiled by my dad as a child and a young adult.  I learned that life holds far more than material things.  Yay, I'm in the middle and gonna be fine.

I stand proud and tall.  I have three beautiful children who are excelling despite the hell they were raised in.  I removed the pic of my ex from this journal as it was inappropriate.  His life is his own choice.  I have no need to think of him or see him.  The kids are adults now and can do as they please as far as their father is concerned.

So below is the gorgeous tag from D that I snagged.  My candle will shine ever so bright so the next generations will live lives far different than the life they grew up in and carry the candle that was lit for them by their mother's example. (Thanks, D!)

   CHRIS

29 comments:

nightmaremom said...

Chris
So much of what I read here reminds me too.....  Life is precious... so glad you are living it
hugs
d

jeadie05 said...

Chris very well done for recognising your turning point ,for using that to make your new start ,and though there have been hard times where you had to struggle to make ends meet ,you did ,and how much happier you are and proud ,You did it ! ,.,.,Jan xx

siennastarr said...

Chris.. You and I have lived much the same life, and have come through it all to become the strong women we are today!  It's amazing how some of us can overcome and move forward, while others will continue to wallow in self pity.. moan, groan and complain, and never take one step forward to make thier lives better.  My kids went through the same things (especially the 2 younger ones.. the twins).  The older ones were grown and gone, but Gina and John are the ones that went without.. but, you know what? It taught them self respect, and the value of a dollar.  Those kids are 22 years old and out on their own.  Making car payments, paying rent and holding down jobs.  I am very proud of them! :)

I knew there was more than one or two reasons you and I were drawn to each other!
GMTA!!! Or maybe it's that good Pennsylvania stock!!  ;)

Big hugs!
Love you
Jackie

sugarsweet056 said...

There's a turning point in most of our lives, recognizing it & acting on it is the key!
God Bless you, my dear friend.
Have a lovely upcoming week.
Blessings, Sugar

shayshaydc said...

Wow Chris!!!! Great entry!!! Thanks for sharing!!!! You made up your mind and you did it!!! Good for you!!!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)

lisa41076 said...

Chris, Wonderful entry !!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend,Hugs Lisa

mrsm711 said...

So touching.  I am so proud that you got rid of that dead weight.  You are a beautiful person because of the things that have happened.  You have you childrens love and also love yourself so much more.  You also have the respect of all of us here at J-land.  :)
http://journals.aol.com/mrsm711/LatteDah/
Tracy

pharmolo said...

Thanks for sharing that Chris, you've done well

penniepooh said...

Chris, I am so thankful you got out of an abusive and fearful situation. You`re a lovely person and a great friend. I`m proud of you and your strength to rise above all that you went through and to see your 3 children doing so well.
Love you and God bless,
Penny

seraphoflove9001 said...

Chris, reading D's journal this morning as well put something in me too. :o) I too was going to write about a few things in my life that has been such turning points for me. :o) Beautiful entry! I too snagged her graphic for the same reason! :o)
Lisa

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Wow..I was just thing right before logging on and coming to check out jouranls what my life was all about and where it was going...what would be remembered of me??? And what was I going to do about it...Thanks for the entry...gave me some new things to ponder...I must say...it gave me a nawing feeling in my stomache as well that I can't get rid of...Both are beautiful tags!! Hugs,TerryAnn

ally123130585918 said...

You reached the turning point in your life and faced up to the reality of what you were going through ~ and what your children were going through ~ thank God you had the strength to follow it through ~ and came through it all ~  to be the lovely person you are today ~ one I am glad to be able to call my friend ~ Ally

queeniemart said...

Ok, i am bawling.
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION, A FIGHTER, A SURVIVOR AND SOMEONE TO BE PROUD TO CALL A FRIEND!!

Wow, i hope you know just how wonderful you are. Those kids know they have a wonderous, loving mom. I wish you had all the money in the world but even if you dont, you have the love, Chris.
XO XO lisa jo

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))I am so glad you are living today,because,I wouldnt have gotton to known a nice,caring person you are.Your kids are very proud of you.HAve a nice Sunday.

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Loved this entry Chris!!!
So glad you had the courage and strength to get
away from your ex husband...you are such a strong
woman with a beautiful soul!  You have raised wonderful
children to be brought up in that kind of life...all of you have
done great and will continue to do so, i just know it =)
Hugss..~Terri~

jckfrstross said...

you are a winner:) you have 3 wonderful kids who love you and you are my hero {{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}

Deb

gehi6 said...

It was inspiring to me to read this entry about leaving an abusive husband despite the drop in income.  I did this ten years into my first marriage, and I have had no regrets, even though my children and I did not have much income.  It was a tough move for me to make, too, but the right one.  Gerry
http://journals.aol.com/gehi6/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/  

chat2missie said...

You wrote a very beautiful entry Chris!  
Missie

jlocorriere05 said...

What a lovely entry Chris, I'm so glad you got out of the abusive relationship. I lived with verbal and mental abuse for many years till I could take no more. It's hard work to keep your head above water but I'm sure your kids are grateful to you for ending it. Jeannette xx  

pippa1116 said...

wow Chris.  You and I have a lot in common.  I can't put a finger on my turning point though.  I hadn't thought about it until I read this.  I guess I need some more thought on it.
tina

lanurseprn said...

What a lovely entry Chris. Wow you are a strong lady!  You've managed to get out of an abusive relationship, lose weight, raise the kids, be independent and get your life on track......I wish I were as strong as you are.
This entry gives me more insight as to who you are.  Thanks for sharing this part of you.
Pam

tendernoggle said...

IT HAD TO BE SOOOOOOOO HARD TO TAKE THAT STEP TO YOUR INDEPENDENCE...ESPECIALLY WITH THE MONEY SITUATION...BUT I KNOW YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER OFF FOR DOING SO...IT HAD TO BE PURE HELL NOT KNOWING WHEN HE WOULD GO OFF ON YOU...I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.
TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS YOU.
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

am4039 said...

you have had it rough but so happy that you and the kids are doing great. Hugs and love.

helloimkara said...

I loved this entry!  it is a great thing when we can look back and see the personal growth we've made. You are a wonderful person!

Kara

ravenjuiced said...

You know what's strange about reading you knife-to-the-throat account is that I never believed that sort of rage was prevelant until I was weel into my late thirties. I don't even know how I became aware of it any more, maybe it was the prime-time shows like America's Most Wanted or maybe it was the Internet, but I sincerely thought it was very unusual in this world, particularly domestically, for someone to threaten family in that manner. I have faced death on several occasions, but it was always due to my own foolishness. I would be curious to know if you thought he was capable of such a thing, and, if so, when was it that you realized that. What did you see that made you go, "This guy might not just hurt me, but he might ...."?

Fred

gehi6 said...

I saw my father hold a butcher knife to my mother's throat when she roughed him up when he was drunk.  There was a lot of terror in those years at home, and somehow I was not too surprised when the cycle repeated its self in my first marriage, but I resolved never to stay in an abusive relationship again.  I spent 10 years in the first one just figuring out how and when to make the break, and to make sure I was well enough to work. You certainly made a tough but a healthy decision. I wish my mother could have stuck to her resolve.  The abuse she went through for 35 years altered her very personality.    Gerry

rebuketheworld said...

How long were you married?....I had an ex that I stayed with because of financial security too....not that it was alot of money but I didnt believe I could raise my kids on my own. I had two children with him and there was issues with favortism....his and mine...crazy....I sitll havent fully repaired from it....I am so glad you had to courage to take whatever it takes and kick the jerk out....when you described that first night...the stillness...wondering whats next...I understood that...How long did it take before you felt like you could breathe?....yah know how thick the air can be in fear...I get that...

~Raven

queenb8261 said...

Oh man Chris. I had no idea. You have to be SO SO strong to go through all you have been through.  I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. You GO girl.  There are big and bright things ahead for you and your kids.  
Barb  

millieukgirl said...

Chris ~ you are amazing.  I'm so happy to learn that you found the strength to make changes to your life - your children must be so proud of you , i know I would be! They are a credit to you too. I have a smile on my face thinking that you are in a 'safer' place within now, so way to go gal....your just so wonderful!! Millie x