Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stop the World; I Want to Get Off

Today actually started out well.  I was up at 4:30 a.m., put my pot of coffee on, and promptly sat my butt at the computer.  I didn't have much e-mail to read or many journals to catch up on.  I was zipping up and down my AOL favorites and noticed I hadn't read Becky's MySpace blog in a while.

Of course, by the time I finished the one entry, I was in tears; happy tears.  I am so emotional lately. "Letting Go" it was entitled.  Becky was my angry child and had every right to be.  Her father was a verbally abusive alcoholic; physically once in a while.  She enclosed her heart in a shield of stone to protect herself from the hurt and pain.  I didn't realize any of this at the time.  In her entry, she refers to the hatred she carried for years at her father when "she was an angry, hormonal teen."  She can't continue to do this to herself anymore.  It is making her sick to her stomach and have heachaches to hate.  Her words.  She also opened her entry with the fact that each week when she attends church, it is amazing to her how the sermon is about something she is dealing with.  Last week was trying to control your surroundings and life.  Becky is my control freak or was.

What I am finding amazing is that the rock hard shield she has guarded for so long around that heart of hers is slowly but surely disintegrating.  I can tell by her writings that she is becoming more at peace with herself and her life.  She hasn't forgiven her dad yet.  He has never asked for forgiveness or thinks he did or ever does anything wrong.  She has to accept the fact that he is the way he is and only he can change himself.  Megan called her dad last night for money.  He said he had to to discuss it with his wife since she is the major breadwinner now and would call her back.  Did he?  Nah...but she was going to call him today while step mom was at work.  So, I thought this might be the beginning of more peaceful times to come.

Silly, silly me.......


LOL...You are about to enter the "Whine Zone" (I'm really praying this zone will disappear soon.

I went online.  Megan's loan was sent to the university and just needs to be processed.  They usually do it once a week.  Her rent is due; she needs her books by the end of the week; and the food I bought her before she left last week is gone.  She needs gluten-free food because of her celiac disease which is outageously expensive although she is a wonderful cook and has created a lot of her own dishes that are gluten free with stuff from the regular grocery store.

I called Financial Aid this morning to see when they would process her loan and have a check ready...OK...Friday, Sept. 8th.  I was stunned.  How in the world is she supposed to buy books, pay her rent, buy food, etc. until next Friday?  She has enough in her bank account to cover books and a meager amount of food.  Daddy dearest won't answer her phone calls or messages.  She's like the bill collector in his eyes.

I ran to the bank at lunch and took rent money for her out of my savings and put it in her checking account.  My head was spinning and drat...I was crying once again.  When this savings is gone, it is more.  It's from a home equity loan, and there "ain't" no more equity left.

Since June when my gas line in the car broke the day before my trip to Ohio to meet Penny, there has been a non-stop drain on my budget with car repairs, electrical repairs, etc. 

My head was pounding the rest of the day.  I pray my ex finds it in his heart to help her out but I know him far too well.

Of course, Joey called later on and said the lawnmower had finally taken its last breath.  I knew I was going to need a new one pretty soon but I was praying it would last until fall so I could wait until spring to buy a new one.

My BF...grrr...was less than sympathetic.  He seems to forget his panic attacks a month ago when he thought he was going to lose over half of his retirement each month to spousal support while his divorce is pending.  Wow, how quick he forgets what it's like to scrounge every day.  He says lawnmowers are half off now.  I could get a decent one for $250.  I just laughed totally hysterically because it might as well be $2,500.  My darned tranny is leaking like a sieve and I'm supposed to buy a lawnmower.  Joey managed to pound it for a half an hour and got the grass cut.

And while I'm on a roll...I will never understand family law in Pa.  Roll back five years or so.  My ex was making what my BF is now.  I had the same income as his spouse plus two children.  Their children are grown.  There is a pay scale for both CS and a different one for spousal support.  How in the world can a woman with no dependent children get twice as much as a mother with three dependent children?  His attorney said spousal support is greater now than child support.  Lord have mercy...go figure.  Who makes these laws?

   Well, anyway, it's hump day...YEAH!  I still feel like it should be Thursday but that's ok.  Two more days to go and then a long weekend.  Joey is going camping and Megan is staying in Pittsburgh.  The new manager never scheduled her to work at Eat N Park Labor Day weekend like she had asked.  This new manager is a piece of work.  Not that she couldn't have used a couple hundred in tips...oh well..........

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that my phone doesn't ring at work tomorrow.  Lately, it's never a good sign.

Off I go to have Calgon take me away for a while......  

                        Thanks to Missie again for my cute siggy!


sugarsweet056 said...

I so know what your going through re NO MONEY! Believe me you're not alone!
All I can say is, put it in God's hands, let Him handle it! I know it's hard to not worry, but if you believe & trust in the Lord, great things WILL happen! {{{}}}
Blessings, Sugar

hugsdoodlewacky said...

I love thoes grafics,I am glad your daughter is finally healing.Sounds like you been busy to helping Her out.gluton,what is gulton food.I think I heard it once.Sounds yuky,but,I guess if your used to it,it is good.Hope you have a nice night.

candlejmr said...

Awww, I wish there was something I could do!  I have my DD off at college too right now.  It's enough just to worry about them not being home....add to that the stress of how to pay to keep them there and you must be a MESS!!!  Hang in there...I have a feeling that goodness is coming your way real soon!


lanurseprn said...

I hope the ex comes through for your daughter.  It sounds like she's really maturing into a wonderful young lady!  I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now.  $250 for a mower?  Maybe you could temporarily hire a gardener.  I have one that only charges me $30/month.  Grass is always short.  And I don't have to worry about it.  You could do it for awhile until you can get a new mower.  Just an idea.  I'll keep you in my prayers, Chris.
Hugs and love to you....Pamela

lisa41076 said...

Chris, sorry you are having money trouble, I know all too well how that is, hope things get better for you , Hugs Lisa

xxroxymamaxx said...

Calgon! lol  I'm so sorry you are going through all of this lately.  Things are going to start looking a lot better for you real soon, I just know it.  Praying for ya.  And I love that part about Becky's MYspace entry! Hugs and GBU, Shelly

lv2trnscrb said...

I think its awesome that Becky is starting to let go of that anger and that protective shield she had around her; we know its the Lord working in her life. I hope one day to herself she can at least forgive her dad; it will be so freeing for her.

(((Chris))) I'm soooo sorry about all the financial stuff going on. I wish there was some magical answer to make it all disappear. hugs to you......


queenb8261 said...

Darn it Chris, I just hate it that you're having financial troubles.  You certainly aren't alone in that boat. Souds good about your girls. It's the pits to have to shell out $$ for something that you don't use that often.  Put it in the Big Guy's hands and something will pan out.  Hope your ex comes through.  Take care, friend.
Hugs, Barb  

jeadie05 said...

I do know how it is to be worried about money ,but like Sugar ,I am a firm believer in 'The Lord will provide ',So pleased your daughter is coming to terms with her issues ,thank heaven you have always been there for her ,.,.,.,Jan xx

xomywayox said...

Your whine spot is starting to get really popluar. Oh about the laws. It was f'ing idiots!!!Omgawd.....Pumpkin if it ain't one thing after another. I wish we were both rich!!


queeniemart said...

AH ex better pony up some cash for HIS daughter.....i mean, its make or break time and he is a POS.
Your bf cant give you some $$? Or your mom? I wish i had some answers...the Lord knows i understand every word of this entry...reads like my life 55% of the time.
I love you girlie and i know better times are coming soon. I am so proud of Becky....she is a special young lady!
XO love,lisa

mzgray0726 said...

I'm sorry maybe it is me or something.  I see nothing wrong with the whine zone.  In fact it helps me to know that I am not alone and things do and will get better.  Keep up the wonderful writing and you and your family will be in my prayers.  Hugs - Tish

jlocorriere05 said...

I'm sorry you're having problems with money, your ex sounds so mean. I'm praying it'll get sorted out soon for you. I don't know who makes up these ridiculous laws but what gets me is they sit in an office all day and get paid to do it! Jeannette xx

jeanno43 said...

Nothing wrong with a whine zone.  Hope he stumps up with some money and that your finances improve

siennastarr said...

{{{Chris}}}  Girl, you whine all you want!  We are entitled to it with all the caacaa going down in both our lives!  As for the money situation.. I can sure relate to that.  You and I together are robbing poor Peter to the point of homelessness, aren't we???  

I have to say, that even though my X husband (the twins dad) was never in their lives physically.. he was always ready with the child support and/or extra cash they may have needed for thing in their lives.

My daughter won't even speak to her dad.  Says she is sick of the way he ignores them (now that they are over 18 and he feels NO responsibility towards them) and only bothers to acknowledge their presence when they happen to be in the same place that he is.  He's an Ass!

I hope your X will come around and help you out with your daughters tuition.  That's the least he could do!  

Whine all you want sweetie..... I have a big chunk of Cheese to go with it!!

Big hugs

oxobagladyoxo said...

I do hope hun that everything starts to look up for ya and Megan. Keep your chin up dear I know it's a struggle to keep afloat but it will get better hun. I am just praying it will be soon for ya.


chat2missie said...

WOW!!  Your entry was full of all kinds of feeling this time.  I'm sorry things are so rough right now.  Have a better end of the week.

shayshaydc said...

When it rains.... it just seems to pour sometimes!!!! Hope things get better for you Chris!!! Maybe the ex will help out..... one can only hope!!!!!

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Chris i'm sorry your having financial issues right now...
Lord knows i know the feeling from time to time...seems
like all there is.... are bills, bills, bills...and everything seems to
go wrong at the same if money grows on freakin trees...UGH!
I hope the ex pulls through with some cash to help your daughter...
he needs to step up to the plate and help out when needed....he is her
Dad!!!! Hope you have a great weekend....

krspkrmmom said...

I hope all goes well with the money situation.  I had to buy a lawnmower and weedwacker this year...that sucked.  Good thing it came off the rent for me.  Megan works at Eat N Puke?  lol...I got that from my friends out there in Pgh--actually, I like the place.  Hope the rest of your week goes well!

Annie =)

am4039 said...

well it's almost Friday, I'm a little behind here. Sounds like lots going on. I hope she can get the money before Sept. 8. That doesn't make any sense at all about spousal support. I don't get the court system either. LOL. So happy that your daughter is letting go a little. I know it must be hard for her.

trishaham said...

Sorry to see that you are having such a trying day. I hope it all works it out, and soon.

Concentrate on great it is going to be to have a long weekend.

God Bless,

Tias Tales

P.S. I also wanted to thank you for the warm welcome you left in my new journal. Everyone seems so kind and caring. Thanks again, Tia

djohn52 said...

Hi Chris!

Yeah, I know one step forward and two steps back!!!

Just let Calgon take you awaaaaayyyy!!!


helloimkara said...

Oh can I relate. I hate being poor!!!  You can always check on and see if someone is selling a lawn mower. Heck if I had the money I would get you one!!!  So sorry....


pennietoonz said...

Hi Chris...I`m a bit late here, sorry. I understand about the finacial aid stuff. It can be so stressful. I hope you are taking some deep breaths, relaxing, and praying this weekend. You`ve certainly had a lot on your plate lately.
I hope things calm down soon.
Love you.