Living on the Edge

 

Ok, so the tag is a little risque for me.  I found it in my file manager.  It was made either by Christy or Diane from my PSP group months ago and I accidentally uploaded it.  So, I'm feeling blah, risque and out of sorts today.  It seems to be spreading through J-Land.

I'm just tired; tired and stressed from living on the edge of financially losing it all.  I can't seem to keep my head above water for long and then things come crashing down again.

Never in my life until my separation could I understand the theory behind robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I never knew which bills could float past the due date and which couldn't.  I couldn't understand how anyone could ever live that way.....until I became one myself.  If there is no money to pay the bill until payday, which might be a few days after the bill is due, you float.  Not fun for someone who was always in control of these things.  Unexpected repairs....sheesh....pull out the credit card and watch it build up.  Luckily, I still have more credit than I could even begin to ever pay off if I used it all.  But it takes me forever to pay off what I have on them now.  I've put them all on one 2.99% card for the life of the debt.

I'm not alone in this.....I realize that fully as I read through journals.  Many live their lives on the same cliff I do.

My ABS light came on in my Olds last night.  The last time two years ago when it came on, I needed the whole ABS system replaced.  $2,200.  Fortunately, I had purchased an extended warranty.  My BF tried to talk me out of it....said it was a waste of $900.  LOL...boy was he wrong.  I had the complete power steering system replaced, the ABS, the air conditioning system (condenser, compressor, everything), an alternator, my whole wiring in my dashboard which had overheated and almost caught my car on fire (now I wish I had let it and turned it into insurance), the two front tie rods and rear struts.  All before the car had 65,000 miles on it.  Over 5,000 dollars in repairs.  They celebrated the day my car hit 75,000 miles and fell off the extended warranty.

Joey took my car to the mechanics where he used to work to put it on the computer.  Good news, it was only the sensor light and not the ABS system....not great news is I needed an inspection (Pa has yearly inspections)...I need new front brakes and rotors.  Lord, I just put rear brakes and rotors and another strut last month on the stupid car.  Good news again...Joey can do it so it won't cost me as much and they are ordering the parts for him at cost.  Bad news, my BF's car needs inspected by the end of this month.  The turn signal switch is gone.  I'm dropping it off tomorrow....probably can't be fixed and the replacement is anywhere between $50-150 depending on the part it needs.  I'm gonna have to beg him to pick up the cost of this fix coz I'm still paying off the $500 dual exhaust muffler replacement on that car.  (My Christmas present to myself)

I'm far from independent.  When my child support ended when Megan turned 18, my mom started paying most of my mortgage.  Somehow, I just can't live with this.  It bothers me extensively.  I feel the time coming when I have to sell this house and move in with my mother which would be a nightmare for both of us.  We have only reached a certain sort of peace in our relationship....lol...but not that much peace.  Plus the fact that I love this house.  I love the rural county I live in.  I just cannot moonlight anymore.  I did it when I was younger but it exhausted me beyond belief and only helped to a certain extent.

My ex is no help whatsoever.  He couldn't wait until each child turned 18 so he could lower his child support.  He sent Megan $20 last semester.  She begged him for more this semester (she couldn't get in touch with him at first because he and his new wife were on their tropical vacation that they always take after the new year) and he forked over a whopping $100.  What is wrong with this story?  I gave her $800 last semester and $500 this semester plus her deposit for her apt next year.  I put in long hrs of OT when offered to do these things.

Sometimes, like today, I'm tempted to dig a hole in my backyard and just go hide in it.  Actually, I told Joey I felt like sticking my head in the stinking Walmart bag (really only joking and he did laugh).

Really, right now I miss my dad so much I'm in tears.  My dad was my guiding light and hated to see me suffer.  My dad worked very hard during his life.  He was a Czech immigrant's son who worked hard to get a college education and make something of himself and that he did.  He would be 89 on Grizzly's birthday, March 6th.  I know little Chrissy needed to grow up and learn to do things on her own without always running to daddy for help. I did get the things I wanted; not necessarily always the things I needed.  It was so easy to have daddy there but Lord why does it have to be so darned hard to make ends meet and when will it stop?  It's been 11 years and little Chrissy is definitely very humble and frugal and definitely not spoiled anymore.  I've learned all the lessons I needed to be taught in unspoiling myself.

Sorry for the downer today.  I simply need a new vehicle for this household and can't afford it.

The Fed-Ex man showed up today with yet another power supply box from Gateway.  I guess when Joey gets back he can give it another shot and see if my computer pops back to life.  Somehow the computer is starting to be of very little significance in the scheme of my life.

I will rebound.  I always do.  I was looking through old journal entries.  In October, things were going very well.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I guess, in a way, it has.  And I still haven't done my income tax out of fear of how much I owe....time to find out and deal with it.

HUGS to all and thanks for putting up with my rants today.  Tomorrow will be better?  SMILES!

 

        CHRIS