Monday, January 9, 2006

Another Dog Day

Boy, do I think I need just a little bit of an emotional vacation here.  2006 is off and roaring.

I'm not at work today and not because I couldn't face the loss of the promotion.  Joey is sinking so fast.  He had me up so late and then I was so worried I couldn't sleep.

It tears me to pieces to watch my children suffer; far more than the job promotion.  And I get so furious when people tell me I'm babying him because he's 22 now and a man.  I'm being told to apply tough love.....yeah, that works.  I think tough love almost sent him over the edge last night; mainly because of my frustration and inability to zip my lips.

Yes, I am babying him.  I know the life of depression because I lived it at his age also.  His problems are far deeper than mine were because I had two loving, encouraging parents.  He had a father that tore his self-esteem to shreds and now I'm left fighting to put it all back together.

Last night I had to ask him the hardest question that can ever leave a parent's mouth....Are you planning to harm yourself?  I had to do it.  He had made some comments which led me to believe he might.  If you ask a depressed person, they will answer.  I know that much.  And, no, he said he wasn't going to do anything but felt totally down and out.  I couldn't sleep at all.

Job/ doubt in my mind to that question.  I would be totally worried all day.  Wednesday is his doctor's appointment.  How well I chose this psychiatrist years ago.  I interviewed with many.  Joey tucks everything away inside and most times I find out what the major issues are after he talks to the doctor and then I go in with them.

Please continue to pray for my son and also me.  I know he feels he's a burden and, in a way, yes, it's very hard to support an ill grown child, financially and emotionally.  But no more tough love from this mama.  He will grow and mature and become a strong person but not with threats.  He's lived with enough of those.  My son needs the unconditional love I have always given him.

One positive note in all of this.  I actually got through to PHEAA and talked to a "live" person.  His deferrment papers for his school loans are in the mail as we speak....1001 days (I love that number).

The saving grace in all of this is that I know God is holding us both in His hands.  Joey is the most religious of my children but many times get so angry at God.  We are working on this.  One thing I do know is that God understands what is going through Joey's mind and is helping him even though Joey can't see it or realize it right now.

Thank you all for your continuing support and prayers.  This journal has been a gift from God for me because I can unleash my innermost worries and joys.  I want to thank all of you for your comments and support.  Some bring tears; tear of joy......



lv2trnscrb said...

(((Chris))) Do keep an eye on him. Make sure he "contracts" with you that he will not harm himself unless he talks to you or someone else first. And be ready to call 911 and get him the help he needs. Its exhausting to see them go through this so take care of yourself too.

Hugs to you.


jckfrstross said...

Praying for you and your son :) I know how you feel helpless


bignewmanut said...

I will of coure continue to pray for you and your son. My brother had terrible depression and my parernts gave up on him so he would call me when he was thinking about killing himself, I know the horrible feeling you are feeling and I wish you strenght and patience in this time.

shayshaydc said... and Joey are in my prayers!!! Things will work out!!!

pennietoonz said...

Hugs to you and Joey. This is by far the most difficult entry I have read from you. It is heartbreaking to watch your child suffer in any way. My love and prayers are with you and Joey. I`m here if you need a know that.
Love you,