Thursday, January 26, 2006

Expectations

I wasn't going to do an entry tonight because I'm feeling quiet/sad.  I don't like when others have expectations of me that I can't fulfill.

My mother always expected me to be a "minnie me" of her.  She was outspoken and domineering.  I was timid, quiet, very sensitive.  I had a lot of friends as I was always outgoing that way but I lived in fear of any type of change.

When we were kids, my brother and I couldn't move in our house; no sitting on the couch, eating snacks in the livingroom; etc.  My mother followed us around constantly and made us pick things up as soon as they were set down.  She was a total neat freak.

I was always disorganized, scatterbrained, right hand never knew what the left hand was doing.  Still am, sort of.  Of course, it drove my mother crazy.  She would clean and reorganize my room, and I could never find a thing afterwards.  I resented it every time.

My biggest resentment was when I was around 12.  She "surprised" me one day by changing my room drastically.  I loved purple and pink.  I came home to a blue room with frilly curtains and bedspread to match and the ugliest blue shag carpet, which was the rage in the late 60's.  I was furious and didn't sleep in my room for months.

I am of the belief that there are two types of people in the world of organization....those that get it and are; those that are hopelessly disorganized.  I fall into the second category.  I still swear it has to do with spatial reasoning.  Math and science whizzes have brains that see things spatially.  People who excel in writing and English don't have a clue.  Of course, there are exceptions.

Then there's my anally organized, accountant BF.  Everything always where it should be.  Nothing is set down haphazardly.  I drive him nuts because I set stuff down without thinking and then spend so much wasted time looking for it.  That's just me.  Most times he will laugh but every once in a while makes some snide remark that cuts to the soul; like today.  So, I'll brush it off but all the remarks remain deep inside and resurface when another occasion arises and something is said.  I could make comments that I think sometimes he is over-the-edge obsessively organized but don't.  I accept him for who he is.  Why don't others, he included, accept me for my uniqueness?

I've made it my point in life not to make judgments.  We all excel at one thing or another.  That's what makes us unique individuals.  Why do some feel that everyone should live their lives in the way that they choose to live theirs?  I've also made it a very big point to allow my children space to be their own people.  They've all decorated their bedrooms any way they want.  My house is a home; one that all can feel comfortable in without being afraid to move lest they upset the order.  It's not always spotless but even when it is, it doesn't stay that way for long.  But one thing my home has which I rarely had when I grew up is the sound of laughter (and the bark of a dog or meow of a cat).

                                CHRIS

11 comments:

jckfrstross said...

never stop being you:) cause you are a good friend so i say phooey on the rest of the perfect people lol

Deb

jaycee0728 said...

I'm glad you took the time to write this, it hit close to home more then you will ever know. Do you know why people need other to me like them, because they are afraid to be different. I was raised by my grandmother and laughter was so rare in that house. I say the hell with everyone else wants or thinks I should be, but just like you deep down in side their remarks and comments hurt......not being accept and loved for who we truly are......~j~

lv2trnscrb said...

(((Chris))) Just keep being you; you are wonderful :)

betty

chat2missie said...

What an insightful entry!  You made me think!  I'm the organized mom and my daughter, well lets just say she has no clue.  You opened up my eyes.  Thanks so much.
Missie

xxroxymamaxx said...

Beautiful entry Chris.  I appreciate you for who you are.  And I try to be like that with my children too.  Although my mother was the total opposite of how you described yours.  I always had to be the one(1 of 6) in the house to keep things up.  And now I hate doing it.  I'm also sort of unorganized and try not to be but it's always there.  Doesn't really matter though, none of it does, as long as we are happy with who we are and where we are at in our lives.  I blogged today about something similar to this.  GBU, Shelly

lici0uslatin22 said...

I love your entry.. and I was Just going to talk about that in my Journal...  
Sometimes i think that I get off hand w/being so organized.. My hubby is a person that will take his shirt off and leave it in the sofa for days and if I dont remove it, it will maintain there..  I so hope he would put things were they belong, Now w/my kids they have there room and they could do whatever in there room thats for what is there but out side from the room i also like my Living room spotless..  I am a Freak in organizing and hubby gets mad...  I do get mad @ myself sometimes because specially now that I have visitors in my house I dont want them to feel bad..  But like you said is so true {we are all unique} and you are special...  Take care Mari...

kdcutie26 said...

I am sorry that the night was bad for you chris.  I really am.  I want you to know that I love you for who you are.  You and I are a lot alike.  My mother too was a neat freak and it drove me crazy.  I too came home to things changed . I too feel your pain.  Live your life how you are happy and everyone else can just screw off.  KJ

pennietoonz said...

I am the organized one, no doubt about it....but not obsessively so. ( I used to be worse. ) I learned a long time ago that it`s not worth sweating the small stuff. Your house sounds cozy and a place where you can actually live your life. We all love you the way you are, Chris!! :0)
Hugs,
penny
http://journals.aol.com/pennietoonz/PennysPlace

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Chris, (((((((((Hugs))))))))))))  I love you the way you are.  I too have the same problem and more than likely seem that obsessive with my kids not on purpose but just because it seems so overwhelming to me.  That is why I joined flylady at flylady.com.  It taught me not to be so hard on myself and to take babysteps. etc.  Check it out.  I do alot of chatting and cleaning or journal reading while chatting with other members.  Well, at any rate.  Love ya girl.  TerryAnn.

shayshaydc said...

Chris.. I used to be a neat freak..but I got over it!!!!! Life is too short to worry about where I put something..... I like to live comfortable!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)

debbted said...

Chris~ like that graphic a lot! You have allowed your children to individuate; your mom did not. My brother is a mini-our-dad. I am the kid they thought must've got switched at the hospital! Well I looked a lot like my father, but why didn't I act like anyone else in the family? I took being my own person to a new definiton; the lengths I went through to rebel continued well into my twenties. I couldn't be myself and be accepted around them so I moved 3,000 miles away. It takes whatever it takes...and yah, it's sad when people have unreasonable expectations and judgements; it's way too common. Great entry. I bet I would like your house! ;-) Blessings, Sassy