Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I hesitated to put an entry in today.  I couldn't last night but have since been able to eliminate the problems with AOL that were preventing it.

I suffer from chronic depressive disorder plus a little side thing of panic disorder.  It's sort of like any chronic illness.  There's always a potential but it's not that often that I have any problems but occasionally it rears its ugly head.

Millions of Americans will suffer a bout of clinical depression and never have another.  Those that have relapses are then considered chronic.  I don't feel that it's fair for me to say I've conquered it because it really never goes away.  It just hides for the longest time and then pounces.

The fog has descended on me and I'm working my way through it.  I will make it through.  One problem, and it's a great problem, is that I do so well for so long that I can't take anti-depressants.  If I'm not depressed, Prozac will have me jumping out of my skin....sort of a counter reaction when you don't need it.  The bad thing is that if I'm starting to have another bout it takes the Prozac a while to kick in.

I don't particularly like these phases...who would?  But I hate to admit that it happens, rarely, but it does.  And for no particular reason.  I feel like a baby whining because so many have so much to deal with.

I have learned through my years of treatment that I have to just keep doing whatever I have to do each day no matter what.  That is the only way to control this thing.  Working is extremely difficult because half my mind is fighting my fog so I only have half my brain to function.  I can't stand mistakes and I'm prone to make them when I'm like this.  And never will I ever admit this to anyone I work with.  I've been ill lately so I can just blame it on that.

Please don't view this entry as a downer.  It's a testament to the fact that depression can be controlled for very long times and the fogs get so infrequent.  But, the reality of the disease is that it still exists.

So, I go into my diningroom and there on my wall is my framed "Footprints in the Sand."  I've had it for years.  I look at it very infrequently now.  But I find such serenity in the fact that when there is only one set of footprints, my Father up above is carrying me.  Aw, didn't I just say He watches over me and reels me in?  If I travel any distance from Him, he throws that loop.

LOL....yes, I can still laugh....please bear with me.  I think it may take a few days but I'll be bouncing back, as usual.

chris

(I want to give the maker of this beautiful graphic credit...didn't save it and it's not marked...so it may have come from Liz....sorry it I got it wrong.)

7 comments:

pennietoonz said...

Hi Chris....Yes, the graphic is beautiful and somehow the beauty of it is symbolic to your entry, in that you keep going and know you will get through this. Depression is a disease like anything else but people have a problem understanding that. I`m here if you need me and I will keep you in my prayers. I admire you for admitting this and keeping your routine through it.
~Penny
http://journals.aol.com/pennietoonz/PennysPlace

disneymomdeb said...

Chris
We have and have had members in our family who have depression and the scary thing? It is hereditary. I had post partum after my second child and was nuts.. I think..so I can sort of feel your pain. Although mine was only once. Good for you for admitting and trying to understand it and using the meds only when you have to. You sound like you handle it well.

lici0uslatin22 said...

hey. why say that this entry is a downer.  I think you are expressing your inner feelings, this is how you feel and nothing could change it, Good that you take your medication only when needed, Prozac is a medication that if you take it continually you will need to depend on it and you would not want that..  
I do love Foot Prints in the sand it is a beautiful Frame, especially when u feel the way you are feeling, I am sure you will get trugh this quickly. God is w/you and  he will guide you..  

Take care..  anything you need to talk about dont hesitate to speak..  Mari...

xxroxymamaxx said...

Sometimes I wonder if I too suffer from depression.  I don't think I have until recently, or say the last year or so.  Hope you are having a good day, I love to see you smile.  GBU, Shelly

sherilynjaz said...

I think what you go through is more common than many are willing to admit, even if not officially diagnosed.  For me, a nervous breakdown seems to constantly lurk right below the surface.  It's a daily struggle to keep it from happening.  It's not like my life is horrible or even at the bottom of the life sucks scale, but it's there nonetheless.  We're here for you.
S-

joycemari81 said...

Beautiful pic.....and when I get depressed.......I really go into a deep depression........~j~

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