I hesitated to put an entry in today.  I couldn't last night but have since been able to eliminate the problems with AOL that were preventing it.

I suffer from chronic depressive disorder plus a little side thing of panic disorder.  It's sort of like any chronic illness.  There's always a potential but it's not that often that I have any problems but occasionally it rears its ugly head.

Millions of Americans will suffer a bout of clinical depression and never have another.  Those that have relapses are then considered chronic.  I don't feel that it's fair for me to say I've conquered it because it really never goes away.  It just hides for the longest time and then pounces.

The fog has descended on me and I'm working my way through it.  I will make it through.  One problem, and it's a great problem, is that I do so well for so long that I can't take anti-depressants.  If I'm not depressed, Prozac will have me jumping out of my skin....sort of a counter reaction when you don't need it.  The bad thing is that if I'm starting to have another bout it takes the Prozac a while to kick in.

I don't particularly like these phases...who would?  But I hate to admit that it happens, rarely, but it does.  And for no particular reason.  I feel like a baby whining because so many have so much to deal with.

I have learned through my years of treatment that I have to just keep doing whatever I have to do each day no matter what.  That is the only way to control this thing.  Working is extremely difficult because half my mind is fighting my fog so I only have half my brain to function.  I can't stand mistakes and I'm prone to make them when I'm like this.  And never will I ever admit this to anyone I work with.  I've been ill lately so I can just blame it on that.

Please don't view this entry as a downer.  It's a testament to the fact that depression can be controlled for very long times and the fogs get so infrequent.  But, the reality of the disease is that it still exists.

So, I go into my diningroom and there on my wall is my framed "Footprints in the Sand."  I've had it for years.  I look at it very infrequently now.  But I find such serenity in the fact that when there is only one set of footprints, my Father up above is carrying me.  Aw, didn't I just say He watches over me and reels me in?  If I travel any distance from Him, he throws that loop.

LOL....yes, I can still laugh....please bear with me.  I think it may take a few days but I'll be bouncing back, as usual.

chris

(I want to give the maker of this beautiful graphic credit...didn't save it and it's not marked...so it may have come from Liz....sorry it I got it wrong.)