I really should be in bed by now but feel the need to add another entry.
I'm finding this journal to be a cleansing experience for both me and my two oldest children, Becky and Joey. Megan is another story. She seems quite horrified but will have to deal with it.
I found out this past weekend that Becky has been reading this journal since I told her I had started one. She just had this goofy little smile on her face when I asked her if she had looked at it. Joey has also been reading it.
I'm finding that it is a healing experience for all three of us. I know they have suffered greatly but I'm not sure they realized the pain I carried for so long. In fact, I don't think I realized the depth of the pain I felt until I started writing. It seems now that little blips and memories are just rising to the surface.
I wasn't hurt by my marriage or divorce personally. The love had died long before the marriage ended. My pain has always evolved from the pain my two oldest suffered. They are healing, slowly but definitely healing. It takes a very long time to repair a shattered self esteem. My regret is that I didn't have the strength to end their misery and stop the damage long before I did but that I cannot change that.
We forge ahead together with the strength of God and much love and laughter. My prayer is and always has been that those two will learn to love themselves and realize that God doesn't create any mistakes. Humans make the mistakes of tearing down the fragile psyche of a child, and a mother stood clueless to the fact that it was happening.
I think I need to accept the Lord's forgiveness for this instead of fighting it and dwelling on it.
Thank you for being there and for your love, support and comments. Chris