Monday, November 28, 2005

I really should be in bed by now but feel the need to add another entry.

I'm finding this journal to be a cleansing experience for both me and my two oldest children, Becky and Joey.  Megan is another story.  She seems quite horrified but will have to deal with it.

I found out this past weekend that Becky has been reading this journal since I told her I had started one.  She just had this goofy little smile on her face when I asked her if she had looked at it.  Joey has also been reading it.

I'm finding that it is a healing experience for all three of us.  I know they have suffered greatly but I'm not sure they realized the pain I carried for so long.  In fact, I don't think I realized the depth of the pain I felt until I started writing.  It seems now that little blips and memories are just rising to the surface.

I wasn't hurt by my marriage or divorce personally.  The love had died long before the marriage ended.  My pain has always evolved from the pain my two oldest suffered.  They are healing, slowly but definitely healing.  It takes a very long time to repair a shattered self esteem.  My regret is that I didn't have the strength to end their misery and stop the damage long before I did but that I cannot change that.

We forge ahead together with the strength of God and much love and laughter.  My prayer is and always has been that those two will learn to love themselves and realize that God doesn't create any mistakes.  Humans make the mistakes of tearing down the fragile psyche of a child, and a mother stood clueless to the fact that it was happening.

I think I need to accept the Lord's forgiveness for this instead of fighting it and dwelling on it.

Thank you for being there and for your love, support and comments.    Chris     



jckfrstross said...

Stay Strong:)


joycemari81 said...

Oh no you didn't put a percious moments on your journal......I'm so in love with them and I collect them...where did you get it? So jealous.......~j~

buggieboo1 said...

Chris, you are a great mom! your children will be ok!
everyone heals in their own time! there is not time limit as to when one should be completely healed! God is awesome! he will see you through this!

lv2trnscrb said...

Chris, I just started reading your journal last week; so I'm just getting to know you. I think you are an incredibly strong woman who knows that she needs the Lord's guidance and strength in her life. Your kids see that and love you for that. You all will continue to heal as you trust in Him.


xxroxymamaxx said...

Yes, yes it can be healing.  True that!  And my kids read mine too. : )  I love when they read it.  But I have a private one where I can go and just vent it all out without anyone looking.  That feels good too.  GBU, Shelly

lici0uslatin22 said...

Oh Chris, as Long as you are by your Kids, show them affection and love in every way theres no way that you could be a bad mommy, Plus you sound so Fun so outgoing I wish I had a Mommy Like you.. :o( but sometimes I say that the world is unfair the good get the bad and the bad get the good...  Take care Mari...

bignewmanut said...

As long as you are alive you can help and change your children, heck at the age of 40 I found out my dad was a bigger idiot than I thought, so don't think you can no longer affect them.

disneymomdeb said...

Sounds like you guys are on the right path....and you sound like a great mom too!! We are forever affected by what our parents say and do.....I too have lost the love in my marriage but I stay for the kids...for now...I envy you being able to move forward and hope I can do the same someday!!

helloimkara said...

It always seems that forgiving yourself is the hardest! You have the right attitude and im sure your kids will be OK.  Im glad you can talk with them and help them move forward as well!

Kara :)

pennietoonz said...

Oh Chris, you are making me cry again! Isn`t it funny that God forgives us so much easier than we can forgive ourselves sometimes?? Your kids are blessed to have you.

chevyz71gurl74 said...

God gives you the strength and courage to allow you to
move on...and you are sooo right....we as humans make the
mistakes...God doesn't.... keep the faith!